Monday, October 4, 2010

Day One -- Hate

~~ Day One: Something you hate about yourself. ~~

You're asking me for just one thing? Fuck, y'all. There are so many things I hate about myself.

But there's one in particular.

I hate letting people walk all over me.

For those of you who know me in person, I don't seem like the kind of person who would say this. Most of them would say that I'm like John Wayne toilet paper (rough, tough, and doesn't take shit off of anyone!).

But I'm not. I would much rather let something stew and fester in my soul than speak up and let it out. For example, I couldn't confront one of my cheerleaders when I found out she'd been lying to me for several weeks about grades, and the professors weren't helping in the way of keeping me updated.

There are some people who can say what they feel about most things because people need to hear the truth. If my weird little brain thinks it will hurt them in any way, I can rarely tell that person. Something small like "that shirt does make you look weird" or "you've got green shit in your teeth" is easy. "Hey, you might want to check over those directions again. I don't think this is right" always seems to come out, "Hey, you incompetent fuck - can you not read, or are you just that fucking lazy?" I have no idea how to say it without sounding like a heinous bitch (which I do quite well, thank you very much).

I hate being made to feel like shit because I'm a pushover. I rarely tell people "no" (unless it's my sister, and then I can tell her "Fuck no!") because I genuinely like to help people, but it's costing me my sanity. Part of it is that if I just do it myself, I'll get it done much faster and done correctly the first time. Is that so bad?

Yes. When it affects your everyday life. Mr. Realist has no such problems anymore. He's told his boss to "Fuck off" (pretty recently, actually), and his boss took it (because he realized he was being a tool). Can I learn how to do that? Can someone teach me that? I'll be your Grasshopper.

That's the biggest hate for me. Some of the others:
~I'm lazy (although Kisha has given me something to shoot for - she's my inspiration).
~I'm fat (see previous)
~I'm fucking stuck, yos. I have no less than five novels in various stages of completion, and I'm lagging on all of them. Stupid writer's block.

What are some of the things you hate about yourself?

Your self-hating
Ms. Dreamer

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Be safe out there.