Monday, October 25, 2010

Bitch and Moan Monday

O, LDs. You have no idea how I need this today. And it will be liberally laced with the eff word, and the c word might make an appearance if I get too heated.

Yeah. This.

(picture here)

Bitch and Moan Monday (and why the flying fuck can I not put the fabulous piccy here?? It's just adding to my frustrations. I'm feeling really really really really stabby).

And you know, it's all about work.

LDs, I'm not a professional blogger (although I kinda wish I was). I think I'd have to post more than once a week and maybe post something relevant to more than the 20 or so of you who love me. But then I'd deal with meanies by beating the piss out of them.

Let me just say I'm not a fucking idiot. I know my job, but most of the time, I feel like an imposter. Like they're suddenly going to lightbulb and go "why the fuck did we hire her? she's dumber than a box of dog biscuits!" It's one of those things that doesn't go away. The 8yo in my head cries when she feels stupid. She doesn't like feeling stupid. And the BAB* in my head gets fucking righteously pissed off when the 8yo cries. Don't make her cry.

I at least give people the common fucking courtesy of letting them know when they fuck up, but by making sure I don't reply all to the email. I just reply to them. I know what it's like to fuck up, but there are some people who get their goddamned jollies making someone else look bad because it takes the heat off of them for fucking up way more often than I do.

Ya know, get off your fucking high horse and be a motherhumping human. Do you like being pushed around? Do you like being made fun of? I sure the fuck don't. I'm sorry that you are an idiot. Some of us aren't.

FUCK! Really? OMGWTFBBQ! I just want to slap those kind of people with Keith Richards' dick (he's the first really old dude that popped into my head), and ask them what the fuck do they use for brains?

'Cause it's obviously not the brains God gave them.

I just wanna brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack (thanks, Ke$ha) right now. I had a PBR/fire smoke hangover all day yesterday, and it was gone this morning.

It's back with a fucking vengeance. Wonder if an oxycodone-laced coffee will help...

Anyone else have one of these days?

*shakes head and dreams of the day recreational weed is legalized. i'd be a happy dreamer*

Heepwah, and be safe out there.

Or I'll hit you with Keith Richards' dick.

And that's gross.

Ms Dreamer

*BAB - bad ass bitch. That's Stevie. Alara's the 8yo. Stephanie's staying out of this one. She just wants to go home and make chicken fings this evening.


PPS-- *grin*

PPPS--told you

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Day Eight - Hell

Day Eight - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Wow. There's a couple people who fall into this category, LDs.
~The Stepfather. It's sad that the only things you remember from your childhood are the beatings and the "you'll never amount to anythings" and the "fuck that, that's stupids".
~The Ex-Best Friend. I put more than my fair share into that relationship when we were in college, and she shit all over that. After the friendship withered and died, many...MANY friends asked me how I held on so long. And I had no answer because I myself didn't even know. I relate this one to "battered wife" syndrome (I have seen it happen in both Sister Dreamer and Cousin (she lost sister status several weeks ago) Realist - you stay with someone who is obviously not good for you and you know that, but you stay because it's comfortable and you know what's going to happen, even though it's bad.

Yeah, they're pretty much it. I'm not going to add in the several boyfriends that broke my heart, because that happens, LDs. And I'm still a better person for it.

Heepwah, and be safe out there.

Ms Dreamer

Day Seven - Worth Living

I'm trying, LDs, to blog more frequently. Obviously, that's not happening too well, is it? I sometimes feel like what I have to say isn't worth the e-paper it's printed on, but I'm slogging on.

Day Seven - someone who has made your life worth living for.

This is one of those questions that I don't have a single answer for.
~Mr Realist
~Mumsy Dreamer
~Grandparents Dreamer
~Aunt & Uncles & Cousin Dreamer
~True friends

Everyone has left an indelible bright gold mark on my life, and without those scribbles and words and hugs and drawings and thoughts and love, I wouldn't be your Ms Dreamer.

And for that, I thank you and them all.

Heepwah, and be safe out there.

Ms Dreamer

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Day Six - Pleading Hope

Day Six - Something you hope you never have to do.

LDs, I hope for loads of things. But there are some things that I don't think that I would be able to handle.

And outlive Mr Realist is at the top of that list.

I don't want to think about this one. It's making my heart hurt.

Ms Dreamer

Day Five -- Hope

Day Five - something you hope to do in your life.

Well. Isn't that interesting. It's almost like a "What do you want to be when you grow up?" for adults. But even though I'm 32, I'm still asking myself that question.

What do I hope to do in my life?
~Grow old with Mr Realist
~Publish a romance/erotic novel
~Move somewhere foreign for a year (and yes, Canada counts)
~Be a recorded singer
~Work at my happiest place in the world
~Get another degree; but this time, actually work for it and be fucking amazing at it.

Right off the top of my head, I think that's a good start. It's starting to read like a Bucket List, though. Gah.

Heepwah, and be safe out there.

Ms Dreamer

Bitch and Moan Monday


I don't have anything to bitch about today (yesterday), LDs. I'm sorry.

Of course, it was nice to see Kisha back up and running...since she started it.

Maybe next week, I'll be back. Let's see who can piss me off in the next five days, shall we?

Bitch on.

Heepwah, and be safe out there

Ms Dreamer

Day Four -- Other Forgiveness

LDs, this past weekend was a phenomenal one. Mumsy Dreamer and I went to Mother/Daughter Weekend at Camp Ondessonk. Two and a half days of doing some of what campers do in a week there during the summer.

Mumsy Dreamer had never really been there. She was either working or too drunk (imagine that). So when the opportunity presented itself, we jumped at the chance. I registered us, and gave her the choice of units, just giving her enough descriptive rope to hang herself with:

"Mumsy, do you want to stay on the lake, in a cave, or up a small bluff?"

"Up a small bluff sounds cool." He he he. There's a reason it's called the "Stairmaster Unit." 70 stairs from bottom to top (we stayed in Cabin 2, which is only about 50 stairs up). Never, ever again. Next year, it's either Daniel, Brebeuf, or Raganeau (in that order. C - where would you stay?).

Anyway, we hiked. We horseback rode. We did handicrafts. We sang camp songs and sat by fire pits and met a really great woman and her daughter (hi Lib & Ash, if you're reading this!) and had an absoballylute blast. We're more prepared for next years' coyotes and raccoons and uncomfortable beds and o holy hells bring better shower shoes!

This post isn't about what we did this weekend. M/D Weekend at camp is meant to bring you and your Mumsy closer, should you choose. I did this quite a while ago, but y'all can know.

I forgive you. You got pregnant with me directly out of high school. You didn't give up. Even when Oma & Opa Dreamer tried to keep me, you fought back, just enough. Even though as we grew up, there were dark times when your friends and your alcohol and your drugs took all of your time, and I had to be Mumsy and Big Sister in one.

At my darkest, you gave up, just enough, to let your daughter show everyone what she was capable of. At fourteen, you let her go to succeed....and I did. I forgive you for the darkness you cast over me. I hate that you missed my college graduation (for more than one reason), but I forgive you for your part in missing it.

I forgive you for your mistakes, and I hope you forgive me for mine.

But since you quit drinking three years ago and quit doing drugs almost four years ago, there's nothing left to forgive. It's all been done.

I love you, Mumsy Dreamer. Every day.

Heepwah, and be safe out there.

Ms Dreamer

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Day Three - Self Forgiveness

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

This one is an easy one, and I've talked about it here several times.

I forgive you, self, for almost ruining your life.

You were a good girl in high school: didn't get invited go to parties, didn't drink, didn't do drugs, didn't have The Sex. You went from a shit-tastic home life to live with parentals who actually gave a flying fuck about you and your hopes and dreams and who you were.

But then you got to college. You fell in love, and gave up the whole taco to a boy who said you'd be his wife one day because you were just what he'd been searching for...and broke your heart four months later because you were too YOU.

So you turned to The Promiscuity. The Alcohol. The Pot (and LDs, I did more than my fair share of all of it). If he was supplying the brew or the bud, you supplied yourself. You don't remember much of your second semester in college, except that you came thismotherfuckingclose to flunking out. You changed...but it wasn't enough. You tasted the freedom, and you liked it.

And once you had it, you weren't going back to being the "good girl." You did slightly improve your study habits. You stopped smoking The Pot (so much). You stopped drinking The Alcohol (so much). And you found (through The Promiscuity) the man who would become Mr Dreamer (LDs, you know him as Mr Realist), who did make you his wife because you were just what he was looking for and because you were YOU.

You almost fucked up your life quite handily, but you sort of redeemed yourself. "Sort of" because you just wanted to be done with college, so you finished. But you didn't achieve much with finishing college.

But you did. You only half fucked up your life, not wholly.

And that's to be least, from us.

There are some things that I'm still not forgiving myself on, but I'll keep those to myself until I fix them.

Do you have something to forgive yourself for?

Heepwah, and be safe out there.

Ms Dreamer

Day Two - Love

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Well, I did do the hate one yesterday. Love would just be the logical next step.

Just as hating things about myself, there are quite a few that I love about myself. I don't want to sound shallow and say 'my eyes' (which were dubbed 'thundercloud' about fifteen years ago) or 'my smile' (cause it's lopsided and it's mine).

It's my compassion.

LDs, I am a compassionate person. Anything that I can do to make people feel better or welcome, I'm all for it. Of course, this does get me into trouble because of what I hate about myself.

I cry at weddings. Funerals. Movies. I tear up during commercials, yo. If I ever win the lottery (gotta play, fuckwad, to win), I'm obviously going to pay off what needs it for me and mine, go back to school, and donate, donate, donate. There are several of my blogbitches that have charities near and dear to their hearts, and I'd make a large donation. I'd set it up so that my summer camp would be able to do more of the improvements and programs and fun stuff they are so damned good at. I'd donate to my high school; much less would go to my college (these monies would be earmarked for X and Y and if it gets spent on Z-W, it will not be a pretty day). See, LDs, my capacity to love and just be there for people knows no boundaries.

I do love each and every one of you because of who you are. I may find fault with you for one reason or another, but I feel for you when you rejoice and when you mourn. And I'm normally available just for a listening ear for someone to vent.

I've got compassion coming out of my ears, LDs. I can outcompassion ALL of you! :)

Love. Turn to your SO and give them a hug. Tell them you love them. Squeeze your kids a little extra tonight. Did you know that it takes 12 hugs a day to be mentally healthy?

I think that in therapy, people should be prescribed hugs instead of some pill.

If I ever get my doctorate in Psychology (criminal/teen would be my focus), I think that would be part of my therapy.

Just a hug. Show those troubled teens that someone DOES care about them. Believe that a criminal can change their life (obvs it won't work for everyone). Smile and a hug.

There's one from me, LDs. Make sure you get your Daily Requirement.

Heepwah, and be safe out there.

Your love
Ms Dreamer

Monday, October 4, 2010

Day One -- Hate

~~ Day One: Something you hate about yourself. ~~

You're asking me for just one thing? Fuck, y'all. There are so many things I hate about myself.

But there's one in particular.

I hate letting people walk all over me.

For those of you who know me in person, I don't seem like the kind of person who would say this. Most of them would say that I'm like John Wayne toilet paper (rough, tough, and doesn't take shit off of anyone!).

But I'm not. I would much rather let something stew and fester in my soul than speak up and let it out. For example, I couldn't confront one of my cheerleaders when I found out she'd been lying to me for several weeks about grades, and the professors weren't helping in the way of keeping me updated.

There are some people who can say what they feel about most things because people need to hear the truth. If my weird little brain thinks it will hurt them in any way, I can rarely tell that person. Something small like "that shirt does make you look weird" or "you've got green shit in your teeth" is easy. "Hey, you might want to check over those directions again. I don't think this is right" always seems to come out, "Hey, you incompetent fuck - can you not read, or are you just that fucking lazy?" I have no idea how to say it without sounding like a heinous bitch (which I do quite well, thank you very much).

I hate being made to feel like shit because I'm a pushover. I rarely tell people "no" (unless it's my sister, and then I can tell her "Fuck no!") because I genuinely like to help people, but it's costing me my sanity. Part of it is that if I just do it myself, I'll get it done much faster and done correctly the first time. Is that so bad?

Yes. When it affects your everyday life. Mr. Realist has no such problems anymore. He's told his boss to "Fuck off" (pretty recently, actually), and his boss took it (because he realized he was being a tool). Can I learn how to do that? Can someone teach me that? I'll be your Grasshopper.

That's the biggest hate for me. Some of the others:
~I'm lazy (although Kisha has given me something to shoot for - she's my inspiration).
~I'm fat (see previous)
~I'm fucking stuck, yos. I have no less than five novels in various stages of completion, and I'm lagging on all of them. Stupid writer's block.

What are some of the things you hate about yourself?

Your self-hating
Ms. Dreamer

I'm Still Me...

I'm skipping over Bitch and Moan Monday this week. Today was actually pretty good.

If you read Avitable, you'll know that he's an open-minded (and open-mouthed) man who takes pictures of his boys on holidays, is "rude, crude, and socially unacceptable," and has a picture of his penis on the header of his blog drawn to actual size, not scale. He's a funny mothafucka. Only read him if you're not easily offended.

Anyway, on September 22nd, he posted a month-long meme (well, 30 days) that's called 30 Days of Truth. I'm going to attempt this. Some days, you might see more than one; you might go two or three days before getting another; and you might see one a day for a few days in a row. As long as I get them done by October 31st (my most favoritest holiday in the whole world), I'll consider myself a success.

Here are the days:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

So, we begin today with Day One (it's in a new postie).

Heepwah, and be safe out there.

Ms. D
Be safe out there.