Day 20-30

OK, LDs. We're going to see how many more we can get through in the next fifteen (all I have left on my lunch hour)....

Day 20: your views on drugs and alcohol.
Let's see...alcohol: I like the occassional adult beverage. Beer, wine, mixies, it all depends on what kind of mood I'm in. If you don't drink, fine. If you do drink, fine. Just don't drink and drive.
Drugs: I used to smoke loads of weed in college. I've since grown out of that phase, but I wouldn't see the harm in legalizing it. I would approach pot like I approach alcohol (since I am a grown-up and shit): recreational. I'd smoke/drink on the weekends when I didn't have work responsibilities.

Day 21: You and your best friend are in a argument; an hour later s/he is in a car accident. What do you do?
I would feel horrible, and most likely, let the argument go. It was probably over something incredibly asinine anyway.

Day 22: Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.
There's quite a bit I wish I hadn't done. I can't narrow it down to one simple thing.

Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.
Gotten good enough grades to spend a semester in Wales when I was in college.

Day 24: Make a playlist to someone and explain why you chose the songs (song/artist and letter).
Well, shit. I'll have to think on this one.

Day 25: The reason you're still alive today.
Colleen and Camp Ondessonk.

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? When and why?
So, air my dirty "I tried to kill myself" laundry? Only once and it was because I was tired of life and being a mother and a teenager all in one.

Day 27: What's the best thing going for you right now?
I have a very happy marriage. I love Mr Realist with all my heart, and he knows it.

Day 28: What if you were pregnant/got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Aside from puke/laugh/pass out? Bake a baby to the best of my abilities, birth that baby in any means possible, and then try not to go insane raising a mini Ms Dreamer/Mr Realist.

Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself and why.
Weight. I know I bitch about it way more than I should, but my goal is to start doing 20 minutes every day beginning 12/1. After the first of the year, my goal is to start the Couch to 5K program (helped by an iPhone app). I'm 60 pounds overweight, and my blood pressure is consistantly in the 160/90-100 range. Doc's concerned I'm going to have a stroke. Yeah...at 32.

Day 30: A letter to yourself, telling EVERYTHING you love about yourself.
Dear self.
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways:
Your eyes. Your smile. Your mind and your soul. Your personalities.
Because you're you.

There. There's my 30 Days. Went a little over, though.

Fuckers. :)

Heepwah, and be safe out there.

Ms D

Day 9 through ?

I've definitely been slacking on this one, LDs. So, we're gonna run in machine-gun procession:

Day 9: Someone you didn't want to let go, but drifted.
There's a few of them - Sarah and Becky are the two most prominent.

Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know.
Alicia. Dave. Fuck them both.

Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
My purses. I find them on the cheap and everyone loves them. Course, the tables get turned back on me when I compliment them! :)

Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.
Um, the size of my ass? Mr Realist likes it...but that makes one of us. :)

Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough-ass days.
Alanis Morrisette - you fucking ruled my player when I was a senior in high school. Journey - fucking ruled any breakup I ever had.

Day 14: A hero who has let you down.
At one point, my mom. She was my hero, then she lost it. She's back to hero status, though. :)

Day 15: Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried.
Mr Realist. March of 2002, we mutually decided to spend some time apart because he was 1.5 hours away, and I was struggling with my last semester of college and was being a real bitch. It hurt way more than Chad and Bob. But it obviously worked out. We celebrated our fifth year of marriage in September.

Day 16: Someone or something that you definitely could live without.
All the weight I'm carrying around. :)

Day 17: A book you've read that changed your views on something.
Sorry. I guess I'm not reading the right kind of books.

Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.
You know, people say that allowing gays (lesbians, transgendered, etc.) to get married would be ruining the sanctity of marriage. So, Larry King (married seven times), Elizabeth Taylor (married eight times), Pam Anderson (married three times), William Shatner (married four times)...these people aren't ruining the sanctity of marriage? We're arguing over a piece of paper. A true marriage is run on trust, compromise, faith, and love.

Day 19: What do you think of religion? or of politics?
Religion has gotten way too big for its britches. Why is it ok if I beat my husband and my kids, drank all the time, cheated on my taxes, and hid all of it but went to church regularly, that I'd be considered a good Christian? Bullshit.
"Religion says you have to pray in a church. Jesus says 'church is wherever you pray.'"
"Religion says you have to believe/follow what the priest/pastor/deacon says. Jesus says 'Follow and believe in me.'"

Politics is a bunch of crooks fattening their pockets. Anyone who believes they can change the system...can't. There's too many of them for you to beat.

I'll get days 20 through 30 up later.

Heepwah, and be safe out there.

Ms D

Day Eight - Hell

Day Eight - Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Wow. There's a couple people who fall into this category, LDs.

~The Stepfather. It's sad that the only things you remember from your childhood are the beatings and the "you'll never amount to anythings" and the "fuck that, that's stupids".

~The Ex-Best Friend. I put more than my fair share into that relationship when we were in college, and she shit all over that. After the friendship withered and died, many...MANY friends asked me how I held on so long. And I had no answer because I myself didn't even know. I relate this one to "battered wife" syndrome (I have seen it happen in both Sister Dreamer and Cousin (she lost sister status several weeks ago) Realist - you stay with someone who is obviously not good for you and you know that, but you stay because it's comfortable and you know what's going to happen, even though it's bad.

Yeah, they're pretty much it. I'm not going to add in the several boyfriends that broke my heart, because that happens, LDs. And I'm still a better person for it.

Heepwah, and be safe out there.

Ms Dreamer

Day Seven - Worth Living

I'm trying, LDs, to blog more frequently. Obviously, that's not happening too well, is it? I sometimes feel like what I have to say isn't worth the e-paper it's printed on, but I'm slogging on.

Day Seven - someone who has made your life worth living for.

This is one of those questions that I don't have a single answer for.

~Mr Realist

~Mumsy Dreamer

~Grandparents Dreamer

~Aunt & Uncles & Cousin Dreamer

~Sister

~True friends

Everyone has left an indelible bright gold mark on my life, and without those scribbles and words and hugs and drawings and thoughts and love, I wouldn't be your Ms Dreamer.

And for that, I thank you and them all.

Heepwah, and be safe out there.

Ms Dreamer

Day Six - Pleading Hope

Day Six - Something you hope you never have to do.

LDs, I hope for loads of things. But there are some things that I don't think that I would be able to handle.

And outlive Mr Realist is at the top of that list.

I don't want to think about this one. It's making my heart hurt.

Ms Dreamer

Day Five -- Hope

Day Five - something you hope to do in your life.

Well. Isn't that interesting. It's almost like a "What do you want to be when you grow up?" for adults. But even though I'm 32, I'm still asking myself that question.

What do I hope to do in my life?

~Grow old with Mr Realist

~Publish a romance/erotic novel

~Move somewhere foreign for a year (and yes, Canada counts)

~Be a recorded singer

~Work at my happiest place in the world

~Get another degree; but this time, actually work for it and be fucking amazing at it.

Right off the top of my head, I think that's a good start. It's starting to read like a Bucket List, though. Gah.

Heepwah, and be safe out there.

Ms Dreamer

Day Four -- Other Forgiveness

LDs, this past weekend was a phenomenal one. Mumsy Dreamer and I went to Mother/Daughter Weekend at Camp Ondessonk. Two and a half days of doing some of what campers do in a week there during the summer.

Mumsy Dreamer had never really been there. She was either working or too drunk (imagine that). So when the opportunity presented itself, we jumped at the chance. I registered us, and gave her the choice of units, just giving her enough descriptive rope to hang herself with:

"Mumsy, do you want to stay on the lake, in a cave, or up a small bluff?"

"Up a small bluff sounds cool." He he he. There's a reason it's called the "Stairmaster Unit." 70 stairs from bottom to top (we stayed in Cabin 2, which is only about 50 stairs up). Never, ever again. Next year, it's either Daniel, Brebeuf, or Raganeau (in that order. C - where would you stay?).

Anyway, we hiked. We horseback rode. We did handicrafts. We sang camp songs and sat by fire pits and met a really great woman and her daughter (hi Lib & Ash, if you're reading this!) and had an absoballylute blast. We're more prepared for next years' coyotes and raccoons and uncomfortable beds and o holy hells bring better shower shoes!

This post isn't about what we did this weekend. M/D Weekend at camp is meant to bring you and your Mumsy closer, should you choose. I did this quite a while ago, but y'all can know.

Mumsy,

I forgive you. You got pregnant with me directly out of high school. You didn't give up. Even when Oma & Opa Dreamer tried to keep me, you fought back, just enough. Even though as we grew up, there were dark times when your friends and your alcohol and your drugs took all of your time, and I had to be Mumsy and Big Sister in one.

At my darkest, you gave up, just enough, to let your daughter show everyone what she was capable of. At fourteen, you let her go to succeed....and I did. I forgive you for the darkness you cast over me. I hate that you missed my college graduation (for more than one reason), but I forgive you for your part in missing it.

I forgive you for your mistakes, and I hope you forgive me for mine.

But since you quit drinking three years ago and quit doing drugs almost four years ago, there's nothing left to forgive. It's all been done.

I love you, Mumsy Dreamer. Every day.

Heepwah, and be safe out there.

Ms Dreamer

Day Three - Self Forgiveness

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

This one is an easy one, and I've talked about it here several times.

I forgive you, self, for almost ruining your life.

You were a good girl in high school: didn't get invited go to parties, didn't drink, didn't do drugs, didn't have The Sex. You went from a shit-tastic home life to live with parentals who actually gave a flying fuck about you and your hopes and dreams and who you were.

But then you got to college. You fell in love, and gave up the whole taco to a boy who said you'd be his wife one day because you were just what he'd been searching for...and broke your heart four months later because you were too YOU.

So you turned to The Promiscuity. The Alcohol. The Pot (and LDs, I did more than my fair share of all of it). If he was supplying the brew or the bud, you supplied yourself. You don't remember much of your second semester in college, except that you came thismotherfuckingclose to flunking out. You changed...but it wasn't enough. You tasted the freedom, and you liked it.

And once you had it, you weren't going back to being the "good girl." You did slightly improve your study habits. You stopped smoking The Pot (so much). You stopped drinking The Alcohol (so much). And you found (through The Promiscuity) the man who would become Mr Dreamer (LDs, you know him as Mr Realist), who did make you his wife because you were just what he was looking for and because you were YOU.

You almost fucked up your life quite handily, but you sort of redeemed yourself. "Sort of" because you just wanted to be done with college, so you finished. But you didn't achieve much with finishing college.

But you did. You only half fucked up your life, not wholly.

And that's to be commended...at least, from us.

There are some things that I'm still not forgiving myself on, but I'll keep those to myself until I fix them.

Do you have something to forgive yourself for?

Heepwah, and be safe out there.

Forgive

Ms Dreamer

Day Two - Love

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Well, I did do the hate one yesterday. Love would just be the logical next step.

Just as hating things about myself, there are quite a few that I love about myself. I don't want to sound shallow and say 'my eyes' (which were dubbed 'thundercloud' about fifteen years ago) or 'my smile' (cause it's lopsided and it's mine).

It's my compassion.

LDs, I am a compassionate person. Anything that I can do to make people feel better or welcome, I'm all for it. Of course, this does get me into trouble because of what I hate about myself.

I cry at weddings. Funerals. Movies. I tear up during commercials, yo. If I ever win the lottery (gotta play, fuckwad, to win), I'm obviously going to pay off what needs it for me and mine, go back to school, and donate, donate, donate. There are several of my blogbitches that have charities near and dear to their hearts, and I'd make a large donation. I'd set it up so that my summer camp would be able to do more of the improvements and programs and fun stuff they are so damned good at. I'd donate to my high school; much less would go to my college (these monies would be earmarked for X and Y and if it gets spent on Z-W, it will not be a pretty day). See, LDs, my capacity to love and just be there for people knows no boundaries.

I do love each and every one of you because of who you are. I may find fault with you for one reason or another, but I feel for you when you rejoice and when you mourn. And I'm normally available just for a listening ear for someone to vent.

I've got compassion coming out of my ears, LDs. I can outcompassion ALL of you! :)

Love. Turn to your SO and give them a hug. Tell them you love them. Squeeze your kids a little extra tonight. Did you know that it takes 12 hugs a day to be mentally healthy?

I think that in therapy, people should be prescribed hugs instead of some pill.

If I ever get my doctorate in Psychology (criminal/teen would be my focus), I think that would be part of my therapy.

Just a hug. Show those troubled teens that someone DOES care about them. Believe that a criminal can change their life (obvs it won't work for everyone). Smile and a hug.

((hug))

There's one from me, LDs. Make sure you get your Daily Requirement.

Heepwah, and be safe out there.

Your love

Ms Dreamer

Day One -- Hate

~~ Day One: Something you hate about yourself. ~~

You're asking me for just one thing? Fuck, y'all. There are so many things I hate about myself.

But there's one in particular.

I hate letting people walk all over me.

For those of you who know me in person, I don't seem like the kind of person who would say this. Most of them would say that I'm like John Wayne toilet paper (rough, tough, and doesn't take shit off of anyone!).

But I'm not. I would much rather let something stew and fester in my soul than speak up and let it out. For example, I couldn't confront one of my cheerleaders when I found out she'd been lying to me for several weeks about grades, and the professors weren't helping in the way of keeping me updated.

There are some people who can say what they feel about most things because people need to hear the truth. If my weird little brain thinks it will hurt them in any way, I can rarely tell that person. Something small like "that shirt does make you look weird" or "you've got green shit in your teeth" is easy. "Hey, you might want to check over those directions again. I don't think this is right" always seems to come out, "Hey, you incompetent fuck - can you not read, or are you just that fucking lazy?" I have no idea how to say it without sounding like a heinous bitch (which I do quite well, thank you very much).

I hate being made to feel like shit because I'm a pushover. I rarely tell people "no" (unless it's my sister, and then I can tell her "Fuck no!") because I genuinely like to help people, but it's costing me my sanity. Part of it is that if I just do it myself, I'll get it done much faster and done correctly the first time. Is that so bad?

Yes. When it affects your everyday life. Mr. Realist has no such problems anymore. He's told his boss to "Fuck off" (pretty recently, actually), and his boss took it (because he realized he was being a tool). Can I learn how to do that? Can someone teach me that? I'll be your Grasshopper.

That's the biggest hate for me. Some of the others:

~I'm lazy (although Kisha has given me something to shoot for - she's my inspiration).

~I'm fat (see previous)

~I'm fucking stuck, yos. I have no less than five novels in various stages of completion, and I'm lagging on all of them. Stupid writer's block.

What are some of the things you hate about yourself?

Your self-hating

Ms. Dreamer